Self Love

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I'm on a bit of a self love kick. Last week my therapist told me that I should really make more of an effort to become my own friend. Throughout the majority of our last session (and probably every session for the last three years), I said at least twelve things I hate about myself. I sit on the black leather couch fiddling with my hair tie, talking about everything that I'm doing wrong in my life. I always think, "If I were ____ my life would be so much easier". I turn every single one of my attributes into downfalls, and then I sink further and further down into the dangerous black hole of self loathing. 

Clearly, this is not working for me. This way of thinking has had a seriously negative effect on many aspects of my life. For example, I have told myself so many times that I'm stupid that I actually started to believe it. This constant self doubt has had a seriously negative effect on my test taking skills at school. While I used to be able to go into a final confident in my ability to succeed, at the end of this semester I found myself hesitating outside of the classroom door wondering if I should just skip the test all together. 

Even worse than that? In the past year or so I have had the most difficult time making friends. Why? Because I tell myself over and over that everyone I meet hates me. It doesn't matter if they call me their friend, I still have these thoughts in the back of my mind that it's all a big joke. While I do receive treatment for anxiety, this goes beyond the scope of any kind of psychological treatment. The only way to fix this problem is to learn to be a whole lot nicer to myself and trust that I am not as horrible as I tell myself I am. 

As hard as it has been for me to admit to myself, I do have good qualities. I may not be super outgoing or charismatic, but that does not mean everyone hates me. Just because I'm a little shy at times and it takes me a little longer to open up to someone new, does not mean I am incapable of friendship. 

As a matter of fact, I have found myself saying that I have no friends in front of my friends and every time they correct me and even get a little offended. If these people say that they are my friends, than why don't I believe them? Why can't I just trust that they do see something in me that makes them actually enjoy spending time with me? While this idea is so foreign to me right, it must be true. 

Starting now, I'm going to practice being kinder to myself. By the time school starts again in the fall, I hope to have a little more respect for myself and get rid of the critical voice inside my head. 

Do you struggle with loving and appreciating yourself too?