Someone to Lean On

After having a few weeks off of school I feel totally relaxed. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I was really upset about anything at all. I am so perfectly at peace that it makes me uneasy. I am a worrier, I have awful anxiety and it has been hugely detrimental to so many pieces of my life: relationships, schoolwork, sports, etc.

For years now, since I was a junior in high school, I have been really struggling with this. I have tried out numerous medications to combat the anxiety and coinciding depression and so many times I thought I had reached the end of the dark tunnel, but before I knew it I was thrown back in.

Generally when I begin to feel like I am cured of whatever craziness is going on inside my mind, I immediately decide to ditch the meds and take on life all on my own. In some situations this could work, but really it's like jumping off the edge of a cliff blind not knowing what is at the bottom. And while there is the chance that the water will catch you, there may just be a pit of sharks below.

For the most part I have jumped off the edge and landed in a pool of sharks. Just days after I had thrown in the towel and dumped the pills thinking I that I could be in control, I would totally freak out and shut down again.

On my third time around this cycle I have learned it's better to take it slow, one step at a time than to jump in blind. I decided to switch to a less intense medication and take on the world with a little support behind me and so far this has been working great. I don't ever remember being happier than I am right now, calmer than I am right now, or more comfortable in my own skin and in my future.

I used to worry that everything would fall apart. I would never get a job, I would never keep my relationship with my boyfriend, I would never feel comfortable around my family, I would never do anything other than shut myself in my room forever. It turns out that all of that worrying isn't necessary. Rather than living in fear of the future, I can live in the present and just be happy.

So it turns out that nothing is impossible, I never thought I would have gotten to this point but I did. What I really learned from this though, is that it is really okay to need a little help. Whether this is medication to control anxiety or asking for help from a friend. It is okay to have something or someone to lean on just in case things get a little rocky.